WATERLOO WANDERERS F.C

      Alan Helbert He's like the slimey Greek waiter that flirts round your bird on holiday. Shows promise the few times he shows up.
      Ally Purvis

Plays as part of his community service. Prefers stealing cars.

      Andy Moores Known as Killer. Normally to violent to play.
      Danny Holmes You remember the 6 million dollar man well this is the 6 pound and you get some change man.
      Dave McMahon aka Drunk Dave, plays better pissed although no one has seen him play sober.
      Dave Stevens The Waterloo mascot. The grass has to be short for this little fella but he never stops running.
      Garath Coles Little ginger stoner. Has ability when he's not doped up or nursing a hangover.
      Gary Bignall New centre back. Showed promise in training.
      Gary McMahon Gaz Hollywood. Has a rare sight condition which only allows him to see things beyond 50 yards.
      Ged Byrne Black belt in sly-punch-quando. If he misses you with the tackle he'll get you with a shodow punch.
      Ian Dowd Granddad still loves a tackle. Gets special pensioners rates for subs.
      Ian Hamling Looks like a turkish kebab technician and sounds like Cilla Black. Loves scoring nearly as much as the sunbeds.
      Jack Chesters New keeper with a big boot. Got a right gob on him as well.
      Jamie Bignall New centre forward. Shown a good touch in training. 
      Jeff Jones New midfielder. Shown ability in training.
      Lee Cox Like an old arthritic Cantona. Lee sub Cox has a great throw and makes some good walks.
      Lee Moss Blind man of steel defender with a knee held together with chewing gum. He doesn't sleep he waits.
      Lee O'Malley The duracell monkey has improved a lot this season. He has more control over his 10 to 2 feet.
      Mark Wilding New tricky winger who tackles himself. Shows promise at training although has a wild left foot. 
      Matt Phoenix Big boned tevez has some great skills. Gets better through the season by gaining fitness. 
      Neil Baker Good at darts and Golf.
      Paul Edwards New midfielder. Shown great ability at training. Could be a star player for us.
      Paul Roberts Built for the pub, does his best work there.
      Pete Bellfield How far away is he? Is he stood in a hole? Part time crash test dummymade totally out of donor parts.
      Richie Burnell New left back. Should get a run out soon.
      Robert Macleod The manager drinks on the side line hiding the ankle pain. Could be back with a vengance this year.
      Shaun Mcdonnell Old school defender, hard to get past. Yes he has got his boots on the right feet he always kicks it like that.
      Simon Neild Came out of retirement and gives 100%. Can play badly anywhere.
      Ste Jones Not pretty but can be effective. Allergic to Elegance.
      Stuart Wright New little busy curly haired lad who throws up in all the time.